Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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