I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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