this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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