cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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