yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Define "chronic" masturbator.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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