The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
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