I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I think I am morally bankrupt
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
