So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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