what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
