I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
