I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
