Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
as a side note pls kill me
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize