I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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