capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
