there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
you will always have a special place in my vag
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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