the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
