You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
