he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
