my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
A bitchslap is in order.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
