A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize