Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
