he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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