you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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