As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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