Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
