Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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