he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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