Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
