I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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