Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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