Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
