im holly from the hills drunk
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
