Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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