the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
We were destined to go to rehab together
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
