I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize