well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize