i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
