i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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