I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
