I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
