I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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