just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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