she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
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