New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
