this boner is exhausting
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
