he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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