I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
