he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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