Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
