anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
is it fun? or sober?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
