sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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