I wannas sexs uuuuu
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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