Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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