if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
