my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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