This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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