I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
