Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
