we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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