Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
