dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
